For the last few years I've started the year with a post about how January is bad and I want to reboot the year. This year is going to be different. While I could certainly be having a better time (as could many) I'm facing 2020 round 3 with a sense of cautious optimism.
I spent a lot of time over the Christmas period reflecting on what has changed for me over the last few years and one thing that I think I've lost is my sense of wonder. That childlike sense of feeling the magic in the world, revelling in something small but infinitely complex, and enjoying the feeling that I can explore something and there will always be more to learn.
I say lost - I think I prefer to think "misplaced".
This isn't the kind of thing that I can analyse and come up with a formula for change. It is not something that will come from deliberate action. That said, while there isn't a "solution" here, some deliberate steps can lead in the right direction.
On reflection, what I'm really missing is what comes before - that level of contentment and general feeling of peace when I'm open to the world and new experiences. There are several active things I can work towards, but at the heart of it for me really is personal space. Odd to reflect on after nearly two years of being pretty much entirely alone. That space is better called "free time" - those moments when I don't have some pressure on me to do something. Pressure from real work, volunteer work, paperwork, need to write a blog post, put up pictures, etc. In those free moments I can pick something up (literally or metaphorically), look at it, turn it over and actually experience it. I can engage with something in more than a facile way before rushing off to the next thing, and I can take the opportunity to see the beauty and wonder in it.
So this year, I'm going to invest time carefully. I'm going to try to only do things I actually want to do, minimise the things I have to do and avoid being pushed into doing things I don't want to do. I want to keep my time precious, so I can put more space around the things I enjoy - and by that I mean take the time to enjoy things properly. I'd also like to actually finish some things. While I don't want to be ruled by todo lists, I do actually get something from completing a task and putting a line through it. There are some things on my "want to do" list that have been there waaaay too long and it would be nice to make some progress in the areas I've identified as things I actually want to do.
More than anything, I need to relearn how to Enjoy the Thing. Through that I think I'll start the see the beauty in the world again and that is the route back to wonder I feel.
