Can anyone be coached?

"You know, Tom. Not everyone can be coached."

This was said to me some time ago when I was discussing my experiences coaching / mentoring people and how some had moved forward, but others had not. It has been playing on my mind since.

It is rare anyone who knows me would describe me as an optimist. However, in this one area I think I am overly positive - possibly to the point of naivety. I generally believe that with some effort, most people can pick up most things. Sure, there are specific skills which might be problematic (I suspect that I would never be a halfway decent footballer, regardless of effort) but in the main, I think people can learn how to lead teams, write strategy, write code, and so on. But is this true?

I am a great believer in the power of mentoring. I spend a lot of my own time doing this, both in work and outside, and I am pleased to have seen people grow in their career, confidence, skills and so on. In fact, a year ago I wrote a post talking about how important it is and challenging others to do more. I stand by that.

But mentoring takes time, time is finite, and I certainly can see that some engagements have been more effective than others. When the diary is full, I certainly want to be prioritising my own time effectively and consider whether the effort spent on an individual is well invested or would be better spent elsewhere. Mentoring / coaching is a partnership - all the help in the world is worthless if the mentee is not willing to take that advice and run with it in order to grow.

This is the important question: is the coaching relationship ready, and does it justify the time? Especially important if, like me, you mostly do mentoring for free through org schemes or recommendations. Plus, of course, recognising that this is always a point-in-time assessment - people can become ready over time (or stop being).

A "ready" coaching relationship can come in many forms, but I think there are some common elements.

Honesty and trust, possibly into discomfort

Psychological safety is the most important element. Coaching should go deep. It should be a space safe enough to be open and vulnerable, and discuss things that may not come up with colleagues. It also means being able to discuss half-formed ideas - not everything needs to be thought through before airing it.

This trust and safety is important for the next part. The point of coaching is to enable growth, so the person being coached needs to challenge their own assumptions and sometimes consider direct challenge from the coach. This can be quite uncomfortable, so the environment needs to support riding that out as gently as possible.

Clear understanding of purpose

Conversations can be far more directed if we know why we're meeting. Do you want to discuss situations that have come up in your current role? Do you want to progress, and are we talking about what that might mean? The specific reason doesn't matter, but having a common understanding is essential.

Commitment

This is fairly obvious - coaching is a time commitment for both parties, and both need to respect this, including the admin burden for setting it up. If it is not a paid engagement (ie the coach is offering their time for free), I prefer the coached person to take the lead. As well as handling the admin, it also signals enthusiasm and desire to continue.

This also extends to preparing for a session. The coach will be reviewing notes and considering next steps. The recipient should be thinking about what they want to discuss and coming ready with some conversation in mind. I've seen some coaches use pre-session questions to prompt thinking. This seems like a good way to create focus for the session.

Evidence of change leading to them not needing you

I don't feel this last point is as important as the others - or rather it is considerably more nebulous. Successful coaching should have some kind of result, but the nature of that result is certainly not set in stone. Similarly, while in general the coached person should be growing to no longer need the coaching that is not universally true depending on the engagement.

The purpose of coaching is progress, but progress can mean different things - maybe insight, acceptance, or practical change. The key is that the engagement is generating some kind of value.

So, can anyone be coached?

So, back to the exam question. Can anyone be coached? I still think the answer is yes, but with careful consideration of the effort required.

If you are running a scholarship fund, you can support anyone. However, some people are more in need than others, and some will make better use of the opportunity than others. There are finite resources, so a value judgement has to be made. This is the same with coaching - your time is finite and the decision to expend that resource should be treated with similar care.

Maybe the first element of coaching is inward-looking to recognise the value of one's own time.

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I do realise I've used "coach" and "mentor" somewhat interchangeably in this post, and this is incorrect. In my experience, a blend of the two approaches helps both to encourage self-reflection and provide some direct answers.